I don't understand why I am so awful at wrapping gifts, but I am.
The goal of wrapping a present is to hide what the gift actually is... I accomplish that at least. But they do not look pretty. The corners don't fold evenly, the whole thing bunches up... I wish they would design idiot proof wrapping. But I think that's bags...
Maybe there's a class or something I can go too. "How To Be a Homemaker" hahaha
Dec 24, 2010
Dec 15, 2010
Dec 9, 2010
The Boy - Book Ends
S, my best friend, has a little brother. And sometimes he doesn't make the wisest decisions. I mean, we can't ALL make great decisions all the time. But this particular decision was pretty weird.
He got his parents a set of bookends with two halves of a ship on either end. As if to create the illusion that when they're pushed together, there is a model ship sitting on the shelf.
When I saw this gift, I smiled and went to retrieve a book from my shelf to place between the bookends. The book? Moby Dick.
Signed,
The Boy
He got his parents a set of bookends with two halves of a ship on either end. As if to create the illusion that when they're pushed together, there is a model ship sitting on the shelf.
When I saw this gift, I smiled and went to retrieve a book from my shelf to place between the bookends. The book? Moby Dick.
Signed,
The Boy
Dec 6, 2010
The Girl- Tries to Make a Wax Hand
This was a bit of an epic fail I believe. My friend E and I were trying to make wax hands. So we went to wal-mart and bought some cheap candles ($1.88 in fact), melted them down and I stuck my hand in.
Fail.
Dec 5, 2010
The Girl- On the Topic of The Boy
I laughed when I typed in my first title: The Girl On The Boy. Then I realized that didn't sound totally right... haha
But there have been lots of intimate moments with The Boy. He's always interested in my boobs, or rather getting as much of my boobs exposed to everyone else as possible. He claims to be fascinated by them, because I believe his words were "they're just there and so weird."
I take that as a compliment.
The Boy is a very useful friend:
I feel like myself, The Girl, was born without the part of your body that makes you generate your own heat. The Boy must have received double doses of this gene because He radiates heat like a car dashboard on a summer day :P One of my most favorite things is sneak hug him and shove my hands under his shirt and steal me some warmth. He's got enough to go around!
The Boy's super human warming powers render it useless for him to wear normal T-shirts. It is mandatory that at least a 2 inch minimum of taunt torso is exposed. When I chide him, The Boy replies with a half-hearted tug at his midriff, "I can't help it my torso's ENORMOUS!"
But it's one of his identifying characteristics for me, when I picture Him in my mind, he's always flashing some skin and his spiffy green tattoo.
I love how a lot of the time The Boy pretends to be exasperated with me and my often ridiculous antics. But he always does end up going along with them, whether I make him walk a long way to dinner because I picky-eater-hate everything that is being served close to us, or when I try for the hundredth time to sell Him on the greatness of glitter, The Boy sticks by me. Sometimes He makes me a mix cd where the first song is about Boston and I love love it and then the next thing that plays is a song that starts off with the first line, "bitches ain't shit" and totally throws me off.
Or we road-trip... and I desperately am craving a slushee because I'm a girl and I get to stomp my metaphorical foot and demand things. So I ask The Boy to consult our trusty GPS and find the nearest 7-11. Keep in mind that we are traveling down a long stretch of highway- been driving for about an hour, and have at least 3 hours on the same highway in front of us. The Boy declares: "There's a 7-11 30 minutes away. Do you want to go there?" Me: "Yes! I want a slushee." The Boy: "Ok, exit here coming up."
So I assume these things: That the 7-11 is on the piece of road we've been on and are going to be on for the next several hours.
False.
After like 15 minutes of winding through side roads, farther and farther from the highway we need to be on, I ask "where is this 7-11!?"
The Boy: "30 minutes away! I told you!"
Me: "30 minutes away from the highway?? Why would I want a slushee that takes me 30 minutes away from the highway I need to be on to go home!?"
What ensued was a great debate over who was right and who was wrong. The details are fuzzy to me now, since The Slushee Incident was almost two years ago now. Still. It's one of my vivid memories of my friendship with The Boy. In a humorous way, I got a good lasting story out of it.
If you haven't been able to wrap your minds around me and The Boy, then a picture is supposed to be worth a 1,000 words, right?
This picture perfectly sums up our relationship :) I'm excited for more stories and more memories.
But there have been lots of intimate moments with The Boy. He's always interested in my boobs, or rather getting as much of my boobs exposed to everyone else as possible. He claims to be fascinated by them, because I believe his words were "they're just there and so weird."
I take that as a compliment.
The Boy is a very useful friend:
I feel like myself, The Girl, was born without the part of your body that makes you generate your own heat. The Boy must have received double doses of this gene because He radiates heat like a car dashboard on a summer day :P One of my most favorite things is sneak hug him and shove my hands under his shirt and steal me some warmth. He's got enough to go around!
The Boy's super human warming powers render it useless for him to wear normal T-shirts. It is mandatory that at least a 2 inch minimum of taunt torso is exposed. When I chide him, The Boy replies with a half-hearted tug at his midriff, "I can't help it my torso's ENORMOUS!"
But it's one of his identifying characteristics for me, when I picture Him in my mind, he's always flashing some skin and his spiffy green tattoo.
I love how a lot of the time The Boy pretends to be exasperated with me and my often ridiculous antics. But he always does end up going along with them, whether I make him walk a long way to dinner because I picky-eater-hate everything that is being served close to us, or when I try for the hundredth time to sell Him on the greatness of glitter, The Boy sticks by me. Sometimes He makes me a mix cd where the first song is about Boston and I love love it and then the next thing that plays is a song that starts off with the first line, "bitches ain't shit" and totally throws me off.
Or we road-trip... and I desperately am craving a slushee because I'm a girl and I get to stomp my metaphorical foot and demand things. So I ask The Boy to consult our trusty GPS and find the nearest 7-11. Keep in mind that we are traveling down a long stretch of highway- been driving for about an hour, and have at least 3 hours on the same highway in front of us. The Boy declares: "There's a 7-11 30 minutes away. Do you want to go there?" Me: "Yes! I want a slushee." The Boy: "Ok, exit here coming up."
So I assume these things: That the 7-11 is on the piece of road we've been on and are going to be on for the next several hours.
False.
After like 15 minutes of winding through side roads, farther and farther from the highway we need to be on, I ask "where is this 7-11!?"
The Boy: "30 minutes away! I told you!"
Me: "30 minutes away from the highway?? Why would I want a slushee that takes me 30 minutes away from the highway I need to be on to go home!?"
What ensued was a great debate over who was right and who was wrong. The details are fuzzy to me now, since The Slushee Incident was almost two years ago now. Still. It's one of my vivid memories of my friendship with The Boy. In a humorous way, I got a good lasting story out of it.
If you haven't been able to wrap your minds around me and The Boy, then a picture is supposed to be worth a 1,000 words, right?
This picture perfectly sums up our relationship :) I'm excited for more stories and more memories.
The Boy - On The Girl
I want to take this chance to discuss my view on The Girl...you may know her as The Girl, but I know her as J. The woman obsessed with turquoise, teal, blue-green, whatever color that is. The one who I suspect is just like me but we'd have to really sit down and make a list to be sure.
She puts glitter on EVERYTHING and doesn't seem to understand that it's not a good thing when I remind her that it gets everywhere and doesn't go away. She sees the beauty in the sparkle. I think it reminds her of childhood perhaps. Simpler times, for sure.
She's actually very surprising. At first glance, I thought I knew everything about her. But who knew she wasn't so transparent? She likes video games. And not just any video games. RPG's....whoa. This from the girl who spent DAYS picking out an outfit to wear to her first day of class....her junior year.....in college.
She uses words like "quite" "droll" and "certainly" without sounding stuck up. She's goofy and EXTREMELY smart. I feel like I can never quite put my finger on her. She's too fluid. Ever know someone that's fluid? That's The Girl.
The Girl is kind of like an ocean...If you stand next to her, you can't shake the sudden sense of calmness...However, she can also be treacherous and alarming.
If I had to sum up The Girl in one word, that would be it: ocean.
Signed,
The Boy
She puts glitter on EVERYTHING and doesn't seem to understand that it's not a good thing when I remind her that it gets everywhere and doesn't go away. She sees the beauty in the sparkle. I think it reminds her of childhood perhaps. Simpler times, for sure.
She's actually very surprising. At first glance, I thought I knew everything about her. But who knew she wasn't so transparent? She likes video games. And not just any video games. RPG's....whoa. This from the girl who spent DAYS picking out an outfit to wear to her first day of class....her junior year.....in college.
She uses words like "quite" "droll" and "certainly" without sounding stuck up. She's goofy and EXTREMELY smart. I feel like I can never quite put my finger on her. She's too fluid. Ever know someone that's fluid? That's The Girl.
The Girl is kind of like an ocean...If you stand next to her, you can't shake the sudden sense of calmness...However, she can also be treacherous and alarming.
If I had to sum up The Girl in one word, that would be it: ocean.
Signed,
The Boy
Dec 4, 2010
The Girl- Thinking Like a Kid/Adult
When you're a child, everything is believable and possible. As an adult... less so. Take the picture above.It's a giraffe. Riding a bike.
Now granted, this giraffe looks very happy, positively giddy as he (I assume it's a 'he' by default because there are no stereotypical lips or big eyelashes that clue in if a cartoon is female)
Why is this giraffe riding his bike off-road? And uphill? Is his giraffe school in the mountains? I think I saw on the Discovery Channel (because I'm intellectually hip like that) that giraffes can run really fast. I would hope so, their legs are freakishly long.
Then my twisted mind started pondering things that never occur to your average child under 10.
How is the giraffe holding the handlebars with his hooves?
How did he even put his helmet on/close-open his backpack?
I realize how useless hooves would be if you were trying to function in a world built for people with you know... fingers.
I also wondered about his little giraffe pleasure bits and if they were smushed on the bike seat. Biking always hurts my bum and I don't even have a stick and berries to worry about.
All in all I've come to realize that I miss the childish mindset where you absorb/not notice things like I have just wasted time wondering. Children never worry about why the giraffe is riding a bike. I bet kids think anything with legs can ride a bike.
What a refreshing way to view the world, as a naive imaginative kid drawing circus animals off-roading with backpacks.
At least the animals are safety conscious. Note the helmet.
Dec 3, 2010
The Boy - Delusional Hour
So occasionally, I'll get in these moods where I spin off into crazy delusions and potentially make hazardous decisions for my life. This is the story of my most recent Delusional Hour.
I was sitting at home, alone, on a Thursday night, watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl....you know...because my life is sad. And if you've never heard of this show, it's a program that aired (airs? I'm not sure if it's still on) on Showtime about a woman that was a professional Call Girl in London. In this particular episode, she was recounting how she got her start in the business....and how much money she makes. This is when my delusional hour begins.
I begin to wonder if people actually DO work for escort services or if it's something that's just so taboo that no one dares trying in fear of getting arrested. So I google it....and suddenly I find myself creating a profile in order to become a male escort....
Luckily, I snap out of my delusional hour just in time to delete everything I had done and slap myself across the face.
Delusional hour is a dangerous, dangerous place to be when placed in front of a computer.
-K
I was sitting at home, alone, on a Thursday night, watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl....you know...because my life is sad. And if you've never heard of this show, it's a program that aired (airs? I'm not sure if it's still on) on Showtime about a woman that was a professional Call Girl in London. In this particular episode, she was recounting how she got her start in the business....and how much money she makes. This is when my delusional hour begins.
I begin to wonder if people actually DO work for escort services or if it's something that's just so taboo that no one dares trying in fear of getting arrested. So I google it....and suddenly I find myself creating a profile in order to become a male escort....
Luckily, I snap out of my delusional hour just in time to delete everything I had done and slap myself across the face.
Delusional hour is a dangerous, dangerous place to be when placed in front of a computer.
-K
Dec 1, 2010
The Boy - Work
So, I'm not a vain person.....
okay I am. But regardless, no one likes to take a blow to their self-esteem much less their self-image. In any case, for one of my jobs, I have to wear a red polo and black slacks. Since I work in the food industry, I didn't worry about buying high quality or even remotely fashionable clothes for this job as they're just going to get food all over them anyway. Don't get me wrong, the clothes aren't UGLY. Just not something I would work into my everyday wardrobe. In any case, they're not all that flattering on me. The shirt has a little too much structure for my body type and the pants are baggy and a little too long. The effect: I look about 30 lbs heavier in the clothes. (or 50 lbs underweight depending on which angle you're looking at.)
Another fact that you need to be aware of for this story is that EVERYONE gains weight over the Thanksgiving holiday. EVERYONE. You're eating tons of food and laying around doing nothing about it. Everyone gains at least a little bit of weight.
So on with the story: I went into work the day after Thanksgiving. I wore my uniform and even had a smile on my face. The first thing my manager says when I walk in "Someone's gained some weight over the holiday." and pokes me in the stomach.
I about slapped her. WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT!? Rude bitch.
-K
okay I am. But regardless, no one likes to take a blow to their self-esteem much less their self-image. In any case, for one of my jobs, I have to wear a red polo and black slacks. Since I work in the food industry, I didn't worry about buying high quality or even remotely fashionable clothes for this job as they're just going to get food all over them anyway. Don't get me wrong, the clothes aren't UGLY. Just not something I would work into my everyday wardrobe. In any case, they're not all that flattering on me. The shirt has a little too much structure for my body type and the pants are baggy and a little too long. The effect: I look about 30 lbs heavier in the clothes. (or 50 lbs underweight depending on which angle you're looking at.)
Another fact that you need to be aware of for this story is that EVERYONE gains weight over the Thanksgiving holiday. EVERYONE. You're eating tons of food and laying around doing nothing about it. Everyone gains at least a little bit of weight.
So on with the story: I went into work the day after Thanksgiving. I wore my uniform and even had a smile on my face. The first thing my manager says when I walk in "Someone's gained some weight over the holiday." and pokes me in the stomach.
I about slapped her. WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT!? Rude bitch.
-K
Nov 25, 2010
The Girl- Cake Should be Included
This is a cake!! ^^I vote cake becomes more a part of Thanksgiving. True, cake gets its day on your birthday, and occasionally one gets baked for 4th of July or something. But that's all. This pastry is under-loved.
I think cake could bring a lot of deliciousness to a Thanksgiving. Why does pie get all the fall holiday glory? More cake!!
Nov 22, 2010
The Girl- Obsession
I have this "thing" for sweaters. I own a lot of them, I covet cute ones I see on others, I'm a sweater person.Recently I've become fairly obsessed with nordic prints + open tie front cardigans. And this picture above pops up first in my google image search every time.
BUT I CAN'T FIND WHAT BRAND IT IS!!
I don't do well when I want something and I can't have it fairly immediately. So I'm not doing well coming to grips with whether or not I can actually possess my latest obsession.
DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS SWEATER IS???
The Boy - Vitamins
So my best friend, S, and I were headed out to a house warming party. And by "house warming party" I really mean "an excuse to get shit faced."
Anyway, S had read somewhere that if you take a multi-vitamin before a night of heavy drinking, you're less likely to have a severe hangover the next day. (I cannot confirm nor deny if this worked due to events that are about to unfold.)
So we pull into a gas station to get candy, sodas, and cigarettes. You know, because we're healthy like that. And when I get back into the car, S tells me we should probably take our vitamins now. So she hands me one.
Before I continue, I should warn all of you that the only vitamins I've ever taken in my life have been Flinstone Chewable Vitamins...So no one's allowed to call me an idiot after reading what I'm about to do...
I pop the thing in my mouth and do the only thing that seems natural to me: I chomp down on the vitamin. The second the vitamin splits in two, I wanna die. It was the most awful, chalky, disgusting taste I've ever had the displeasure of having in my mouth. Unfortunately, with one bite, I had already reached the moment of no return and was forced to chew the rest of the vitamin into small bits so that I could swallow it. As it went down, I prayed that the taste would go with it. Unfortunately, it did not. No matter what I put in my mouth, nothing could rid me of the absolute ash cloud that had become my mouth. I whined and screamed and complained the entire way to the house. All the while, S was laughing her ass off at my stupidity.
Moral of the story: when your best friend hands you a strange pill, just swallow it whole and don't ask questions.
-K
Anyway, S had read somewhere that if you take a multi-vitamin before a night of heavy drinking, you're less likely to have a severe hangover the next day. (I cannot confirm nor deny if this worked due to events that are about to unfold.)
So we pull into a gas station to get candy, sodas, and cigarettes. You know, because we're healthy like that. And when I get back into the car, S tells me we should probably take our vitamins now. So she hands me one.
Before I continue, I should warn all of you that the only vitamins I've ever taken in my life have been Flinstone Chewable Vitamins...So no one's allowed to call me an idiot after reading what I'm about to do...
I pop the thing in my mouth and do the only thing that seems natural to me: I chomp down on the vitamin. The second the vitamin splits in two, I wanna die. It was the most awful, chalky, disgusting taste I've ever had the displeasure of having in my mouth. Unfortunately, with one bite, I had already reached the moment of no return and was forced to chew the rest of the vitamin into small bits so that I could swallow it. As it went down, I prayed that the taste would go with it. Unfortunately, it did not. No matter what I put in my mouth, nothing could rid me of the absolute ash cloud that had become my mouth. I whined and screamed and complained the entire way to the house. All the while, S was laughing her ass off at my stupidity.
Moral of the story: when your best friend hands you a strange pill, just swallow it whole and don't ask questions.
-K
Nov 18, 2010
The Girl- Who Did This to the Cheese??
So I live at home with my parents- Dad- R, and Mom-S.
Living with multiple people means we have to share things. Like a refrigerator. (which is a hard work to spell!)
Inside this fridge are communal foods:
- butter
- milk/juice
- .....and CHEESE
I sort of have a "thing" for cheese. I like it quite a lot. I put it on everything. The shredded cheese is kept in a big economy-sized bag (because we save money, duh).
Tonight I was actually looking for ham on this fridge digging occasion and I picked up the bulky cheese bag to move it out of the way. This is what resulted.
SOMEONE who last used the cheese bag didn't seal it- so when I picked it up, the whole thing dumped out!! The bone dropped near the pile explains the divet into the cheese pile- my golden, Chester, came running and plowed into the cheese before I was able to stop him. If he gets the runs it is NOT my fault.
Look at all that delicious cheese in the dustpan!! The only amusing part of this scenario was watching Doolie the Havanese puppy aggressively lick the floor for the next ten minutes.
Living with multiple people means we have to share things. Like a refrigerator. (which is a hard work to spell!)
Inside this fridge are communal foods:
- butter
- milk/juice
- .....and CHEESE
I sort of have a "thing" for cheese. I like it quite a lot. I put it on everything. The shredded cheese is kept in a big economy-sized bag (because we save money, duh).
Tonight I was actually looking for ham on this fridge digging occasion and I picked up the bulky cheese bag to move it out of the way. This is what resulted.
SOMEONE who last used the cheese bag didn't seal it- so when I picked it up, the whole thing dumped out!! The bone dropped near the pile explains the divet into the cheese pile- my golden, Chester, came running and plowed into the cheese before I was able to stop him. If he gets the runs it is NOT my fault.
This is a tragedy:
Look at all that delicious cheese in the dustpan!! The only amusing part of this scenario was watching Doolie the Havanese puppy aggressively lick the floor for the next ten minutes.
mmmm cheese floor. *sigh*
The Boy - Nipples
So here I am, hanging out with my best friend, she's the trapeze artist in my circus life, watching shitty television and waiting on our homemade cherry pie to cool and, of course, I said something "rude." Here's the gist of the story:
K: Soo, I made this post on my blog (homofromtexas.blogspot.com) about how I'm a trendsetter and that ever since I started my blog, all of my friends started blogs.
Trapeze Artist (TA): But it was my idea first!
K: Yeah and I should probably go back and edit that in but I'm not going to.
TA: Ugh!
AND THEN SHE TRIES TO PINCH MY NIPPLE OFF! Wow. 1) she missed and practically ripped off my entire pec. 2) she left a freaking welt because she pinched so hard!
Who does that? Rude people. TA. Not funny people. Like me.
K: Soo, I made this post on my blog (homofromtexas.blogspot.com) about how I'm a trendsetter and that ever since I started my blog, all of my friends started blogs.
Trapeze Artist (TA): But it was my idea first!
K: Yeah and I should probably go back and edit that in but I'm not going to.
TA: Ugh!
AND THEN SHE TRIES TO PINCH MY NIPPLE OFF! Wow. 1) she missed and practically ripped off my entire pec. 2) she left a freaking welt because she pinched so hard!
Who does that? Rude people. TA. Not funny people. Like me.
The Girl
-insert curtsy-
I'm the girl in this relationship, J.
Unlike K, I'm not super gifted with the unique creative analogies, though I wish I could compare my family to something witty :) Maybe there are no adequate comparisons for my people in my life.
My father (R)- the career Air Force man who has made me who I am for better or worse.
My mother (S)- the rock of our family, my role model who means everything to all of us.
My brother (S2)- he's the only sibling I've got... he's going to be a major league baseball player and all that entails for my family I deal with.
Chester & Doolie- the golden and the havanese that are the center of our family's world.
My life right now is at a series of turning points- getting ready to graduate college in exactly one month and dealing with grief from certain things in my life.
But let's look at the bright side :) it's a funny world I live in
I'm the girl in this relationship, J.
Unlike K, I'm not super gifted with the unique creative analogies, though I wish I could compare my family to something witty :) Maybe there are no adequate comparisons for my people in my life.
My father (R)- the career Air Force man who has made me who I am for better or worse.
My mother (S)- the rock of our family, my role model who means everything to all of us.
My brother (S2)- he's the only sibling I've got... he's going to be a major league baseball player and all that entails for my family I deal with.
Chester & Doolie- the golden and the havanese that are the center of our family's world.
My life right now is at a series of turning points- getting ready to graduate college in exactly one month and dealing with grief from certain things in my life.
But let's look at the bright side :) it's a funny world I live in
The Boy
Hello and welcome to the male part of this crazy marriage!
My name is K. As you will see, I live in a circus tent. My mother, the lion tamer; my father, the clown; my eldest brother, his wife and his son, the side show of freaks; my other at brother, the invisible man; and finally, my last brother, the boy with no voice.
All of these roles will make much more sense later on. Just be aware that I am the sane one. Here I'll recall any and all hilarious stories that I come across living in this circus tent of a city. So grab your popcorn, take a seat, and please: do not throw anything at the performers.
My name is K. As you will see, I live in a circus tent. My mother, the lion tamer; my father, the clown; my eldest brother, his wife and his son, the side show of freaks; my other at brother, the invisible man; and finally, my last brother, the boy with no voice.
All of these roles will make much more sense later on. Just be aware that I am the sane one. Here I'll recall any and all hilarious stories that I come across living in this circus tent of a city. So grab your popcorn, take a seat, and please: do not throw anything at the performers.
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